Whatever Life Will Be

As I sat, a coffee mug in my hand, 
And listened to the gentle tones of my heart,
As I watched the steam rise above my nose,
And watched my past rise with it,
As the steam dissipated, my past persisted.
I saw myself through every decision,
Through every road that led me to that point.

Quiet, I listened to the gentle tones of my heart.
As I watched my fears rise with the steam,
My fears, they persisted, as the steam dissipated.
But, really, they were always there, my fears,
Before the coffee, before the sun rose,
They were always there, and I knew it.

There was reality, and there was the break-out,
There was a little prison that this kind of freedom created, 
One whose walls were impenetrable,
Walls built on guilt, on regret, on wishes.
Something else was always there, too,
A reminder about reality—
Even when I didn't want to accept it,
There was no escaping it, 
Just delaying the inevitable.

As I sipped through the last of my coffee,
I knew I was confronted with a choice.
If it was so straightforward, 
I wouldn't have to think twice about it.
But undeniably, eventually, I knew,
The inevitable would catch up with me.

I want to spend my days living,
Rather than hiding, running,
I want to have good days and bad ones,
Rather than illusions of moments to die for,
I want to feel all the bitter-sweet that is life,
Rather than deny myself the one thing 
That gives my humanity meaning—
The capacity to feel. 

And life will be whatever life will be;
I will live, 
And my life will be whatever my life will be,
Whatever I make it, and whatever happens.
I will be whatever I will be. 

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Photo by Thomas Park on Unsplash